Yes yes yes yes yes.
Now there’s a word i hear all to often.
Yes i can do that for you, Yes i can do that for her, yes i can do just about anything for bloody anyone ever!! NOT!
Does this sound like you?
Welcome to the most overused word known to mankind.
Everywhere i turn these days i see people say yes, when they really mean no. This may seem like a small issue but over time i can assure you that this will slowly but surly suck the living daylights out of you and siphon any remaining zest you have for life right out from under your feet ladies and gents!
So i thought it was the perfect chance to open a conversation around how we can learn the art of saying NO in order to create some much needed time and space to fill your soon to be incredible life with shit that you actually want to do instead of shit that you absolutely do not want to do.
This incredibly overused word “YES” became increasingly popular when we became far more contactable (hello iphone)! bless you and the internet for endless memes! Not only do you provide my crew with endless laughs! you’ve also been known to provide us with too much info!
Thank you for leading us into the world of endless information and constant banter. I am forever grateful. I just wish to create boundaries. OK.
People pleasing is fear based behaviour. It all starts with a deep seeded fear of loss. The fear that you are going to lose something that is important to you, fear that you will lose friends and fear that you will lose the respect of loved ones around you.
People pleasing will also ruin you life and squeeze out every ounce of fun and joy that you have. This may sound incredibly dramatic coming from a little blonde girl sitting on a boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean putting pen to paper. I can tell you right now, hand on heart, that i have experienced first hand the life of people pleasing and i have also mastered the word “NO” and how to say it to absolutely anyone. Nobody misses out here! It does not matter who you are, what your job title is or if you’re the queen of some very elaborate and fancy country.I will say no at any moment i feel the need.
I can also tell you that i have never gained so much respect as i have since mastering this heavily dreaded word NO.
Now im not sitting here telling you that you have to be rude, and abrupt. You can do anything with love, Even the hard stuff. Like saying no. It all comes down to the language you speak and the energy you emit .A loving no sounds a lot different than a rude no. Use a good tone and a loving but stern energy and you will nail it! If you know in your heart that you have done your part and honoured your space in a healthy manner, you will find it will go smoothly. If the person on the receiving end of the “loving no” takes it like a lead ballon, thats not your problem. Explain nothing and walk on by.
For those that are new to the blog, you may not know that i suffered tremendously from anxiety and depression and if there is anything that i have learnt from coming out of that super dark and miserable place, it has been to protect my space! Your space is so important. It is your time. And in the end time is all we have. Saying yes when you mean no is like giving away your life, just in tiny little segments! and if anything is going to break your heart. It will be this. MARK MY WORD.
Imagine giving away your time. Imagine god said to you “you have roughly 100 years babies, make good use of your time here on earth. Now imagine you did the whole earth thing to the very least of you of your ability, only to wake up one day with the realisation that you have gone a spent 100,000 hours doing shit you didn’t want to, with people you didn’t like.Or have spent countless hours making other peoples lives better, even when you really didn’t want to. Don’t get me wrong, doing things for people is beautiful. But only if it lights you up and only if it makes you feel good. Naturally doing things for people should feel good. If it doesn’t. You’ve probably gone and overdone it and taken too much time away from your own self. This can cause resentment and quite frankly nobody deserves that and at the end of the day we are all here to go through the ups and downs learn lessons and feel good majority of the time.I love doing things for people, i just choose wisely. If it feels like a full body yes i do it. If its a no, its a no.
There are many types of people in the world and i can assure you that you are not going to connect well with everyone. I want you to think back to a time when you felt totally exhausted after being in someones presence. Just that one conversation has put you into a terrible mood, and you have been depleted of every inch of energy. These are energy suckers. They suck your energy away leaving you syphoned. In these moments i always imagine someone has pulled the plug out of an old esky and im the melted ice that is pouring from it. Like “yup, there goes my energy! there goes my zest! bye bye! see ya later” and for what? so i could stand there and listen to someone rant on about something negs that is of no interest to me whatsoever. No thank you kind sir.
Trust me there is a time and place to sit and listen to someone and that includes your people and some gorgeous humans that are under an intense amount of stress and trauma. You are human after all and you are here to serve for the greater good. However try not to get into the trap of listening to Suzanne across the road about her awful life and how she’s doing absolutely nothing to change it. Its a trap, they are the victim and you will only walk away like a syphoned esky, don’t try to fit something into a box that just won’t fit. If you don’t align with someone, lovingly let them go. You are not meant to align with everyone, and thank god for that! imagine aligning with everyone. Too much.
Now imagine those people that you speak to that totally light you up! you feel so excited after a conversation with them that you walk away feeling like your cells are bloody dancing!
That feeling is alignment between two people. These are your people. Keep them and nurture that. You could be completely exhausted after a big long day and that one chat would have you leaping off a cliff with excitement! all of a sudden you’re not tired at all. You’re excited and alive!
Now let me make myself clear on something. This does not mean getting rid of people as though they are trash and should be dumped in the bin like rubbish. The fact that you don’t align with someone doesn’t need to be made into a negative. Some people are there to teach you. I have had some of the most difficult relationships in the world! trust me! and they have certainly helped shape me into the person i am today. Without them i may not have learnt all my lessons. To grow and evolve as a person we need to be challenged. (I know, so annoying) but a stools a stool and ya can’t hide from the truth. People are only ever seeking unity. That why when you move away from some people they tend to want to come closer, all they really want is unity with you. To connect with you. If you think of it like that, its much easier to understand. It also feels nicer.
Then we have the people that are just plain energy vampires. These people have not dealt with any of their issues or habits and some will even laugh at you. They tend to live in a sea of green mist. I want you to know that it is ok to create boundaries with these people. You owe them nothing and you can be totally unapologetic about that. ok. Cool.
The main thing that i believe encourages people pleasing is the fear of losing friends. We grow, we change and thats why giving up people pleasing can be so hard. We have developed a report with some of our mates, some what of a reputation with our friends and family in our lives and when we all of a sudden change our personality, it can be challenging for all involved. You fear the judgement, you fear being left behind. They fear the rejection and think you don’t like them anymore. Its not easy to change, you know in your heart that you need to be in your truth and that sometimes means saying no. But you don’t want to hurt people either!
This is where the language you speak comes heavily into play. How you speak to people matters.
It takes practice. If you speak to people through your heart, you will automatically reach their heart. If you talk to people through your head, you will reach their head. If you speak to people from a place of love and with confidence, you will get a much better response.
Living in your truth doesn’t mean you go around being the NO girl all day either. Like i said, if it feels right, do it! if it feels like a no, Its a no. It doesn’t need a huge explanation.
If it makes the person uncomfortable. So be it. Crystal clear communication is all anyone really needs and something we can and will learn to master.
I have found that i have gained so much more respect from people of all walks of life by creating healthy boundaries. Even my bosses. It tells people you are smart, you are confident and capable of not only protecting yourself but looking after you energy.
I believe that during our time here on earth, its very important to live in our truth and to do the things we love. We as individuals deserve the right to say no at any point in order to give ourselves more time for a big radical juicy life!
I lovingly urge you to step into your power and practice creating healthy boundaries. Remember that we teach people how to treat us and by learning to create space for yourself to grow and thrive in this life, a loving “no thank you” can dramatically change your life.
Good luck and keep me posted on your journey out of the people pleasing trap.